Worked today from 7-10:30am and got home to go to Duke with my parents. I felt unsettled all morning, mind in a mess, and stomach all in knots. I haven’t felt this way in a while. It seems as though I am struggling more to keep my mind focused on Truth; instead it is being overwhelmed with others things…health, home, social, work, etc. I cried this morning as I was getting ready just from emotional exhaustion. I debated whether or not to share that, but just being honest and transparent. Struggle is REAL and it is HARD. Being a follower of Christ does not disqualify me from suffering, trial, and struggle, it in fact ensures it; now to what degree is unpredictable for me. Just trying to learn to deal with those things in a manner worthy of my calling, which is not easy and I definitely fail at it often. Anyways, those are just things from the morning…
So now to my mom’s appointment. We got there and I hadn’t been in the new cancer center; seriously looks like a nice hotel lobby, which makes the wait a little easier I guess until you get called back to the doctor’s office. One doctor came in and felt the lump on her neck and then our regular doctor came in to feel it. They also did their usual exam to check the lymphnode that she has been having monitored. The doctor felt no change to the previous lymphnode and was actually surprised my mom found the ones in her neck. My mom pointed out where the lumps on each side of her neck were (she found another one on the other side that was a little smaller) and the doctors could definitely feel them, but said they were very small and would expect golfball sized lymphnodes if cancer is growing. The doctor did not seem too concerned by the lumps in her neck at this point…he said it would be more dangerous to go in now and try to search for the small lymphnode and remove it than to leave it in and check it again in a month. He wants the cancer to present itself (grow) if that is what this is for a few reasons: 1. to make the lump larger so it is easier to remove 2. the removal may be unnecessary if it is not cancer. This cancer is not really a surgical disease…if it has spread, the surgery to remove the lymphnode is really just to diagnose it and chemo would be the most likely option for treating it. Basically, we are in the same place we were before of waiting and seeing; now my mom will just have 2 places checked each appointment and she will be more aware of any signs of growth. If at any time she does feel a change, the doctor told us not to hesitate to call him and he will see her. The doctor is not confident to say this new lymphnode is cancer, but he also cannot confirm right now that it is not. I am thankful for this news. While it is not this grand news of “oh, that’s definitely nothing” it is also not “the cancer has spread and we need to figure out a new plan quick.” I am reminded that God’s answer of “wait” is still precious. I am reminded in this waiting, that I am really awaiting and longing for home. I am longing for a place where there is no cancer, there is no struggle, there is no pain, there is no heartache, there is no frustration, and there is perfect fellowship with our Father. That’s honestly what I want…I want to be with Him. My desires for this world have grown very dim and I am finding myself more and more to just want to be Home. I am reminded once again today of the goodness of God in allowing my family to feel the weight of this awful disease, to entrust us with such a trial to glorify Him through, to love and care for us through the whole thing, to be faithful to us, and to help us to be faithful in the waiting in every sense of the term. I do struggle with letting go of the “unresolved.” I don’t like to leave things undone. I like things to be resolved and there are a lot of things in life right now that I feel are left without closure, but I am trusting that God has a purpose in that. God is training me and disciplining me in the faith. God is teaching me that I am not in control, nor should I try to be. I am learning that my plans are always just ideas and should not be held on to. God is still God and He is still good. He has saved me and He is soveregn over all things. He is reigning on His throne now and will continue to. That is where I find my hope is found, in Christ alone.
Things to pray for:
- Pray my mom does not mess with the lump on her neck too much as it can cause inflammation (which is not good in itself, but also will make it seem like it’s growing)
- Pray that our family would cling to the cross of Christ and that we would find our everything in Him.
- Pray that my heart would heal. It feels lonely right now. I feel sad, discontented, frustrated, confused, and uncertain. I want to be filled with joy; not because of circumstance, but because I am pursued by a Holy God, because I am His child, because He is joy and life itself. I want to let go of everything else. I need to surrender areas of my life to Him and move forward in the direction I feel He is leading me…that’s just hard to do sometimes.
- Pray that Christ would be the center of every thought. I am overwhelmed with distraction and I want to be on my knees under the cross. I want to be consumed with His glory; nothing else really matters! All things are put into the right place and perspective when He is first.
I shared this a long while back, but I kept thinking about it today so I will share it again:
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, “Wait.”
“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.
“My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign,
Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.
“You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.”
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
“I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
“You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
“You’d never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
“The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you.
“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait.”