Today was another busy and long one at work, but I got to enjoy time with Lauren and Ashley after I got off then go to Cru’s praise and worship night!! One of my favorite Cru nights ever! Love getting to just sing praises to God! After Cru, Lauren and I went to Bojangles with a bunch of people and now I am scrambling to write this before I turn in since I have work tomorrow and I am tired.
Ok, I have gone back and forth on whether or not to even mention what is on my mind, but I guess it’s something I would share with anyone so I will go ahead and talk about it. It’s funny how different life looks than expected. There have been 2 major events in the last year of my life that God has used tremendously to shape my growth and make that growth feel like it is on steroids haha. This time last year, I felt like my world had ended. I had thought my future was set…I was going to get married to the great guy I had been dating for so long and then be a stay at home mom once we had kids; all that seemed like it was taking forever, but really in my mind, it wasn’t going to be that far off (time-wise). Well did God through a curveball in my plan! A year ago yesterday, I had my heart broken for the first time. Wow, a year has gone by! What a crazy year at that. It’s funny when that happens (well now it’s funny) that you feel like your heart will never heal and the pain will last forever, but slowly God heals your heart and you become more like Him. I started to realize very quickly that God had much to teach me, much to use me for, and so much work needed to be done in my heart. I was definitely in need of changing and I am definitely very different now. I remember praying that God would make me more like Him and “half-heartedly” praying that a trial would come my way if it was necessary. Boy, did God answer that prayer! As much as it hurt, I am so so so glad He did. I thank God often for removing that idol from my life and for turning me to Him and NOTHING else! I am so thankful that I did not become distracted from ministry or living for God’s glory while my heart ached. God graciously just kept telling me to wait on Him and to trust Him that He is good and He is all I really needed; He would show me that His grace is sufficient and He brings more joy than ever imaginable. Break ups are so incredibly hard…I don’t ever wish for another one to be perfectly honest, but at the same time I would not trade it. I realized that break up was for me because God wanted my full attention and He loved me so much that He was pursuing me (while I was only giving Him glances). I realized so much about myself that I did not like and that did not line up with Scripture. I realized who I really wanted to be; what kind of helpmate I wanted to be to a man. I realized that I had not been passionately pursuing Christ and that I didn’t even come close to finding my joy in Him (and now I do!!!). I had placed every pressure on a guy to complete me and satisfy my heart when a guy was never meant to fulfill that. I realized that I was not holding every blessing from God with an open hand and that I wasn’t even thanking God for the blessing that He had given me in being in a relationship. If God does have it in His plan to bring me into another relationship, I know so much will be different (because I plan on dating so much differently) and it will be so much better (because doing things God’s way always is better than mine); and if another relationship is not in His plan, I am excited to just continue pursuing and savoring in Him because He saw it better for me to not be with another guy. Seriously, I think I could go on and on for hours (and I have in conversations haha) but I think what I am trying to say is that even when a heart feels like it is ripped to shreds that God is absolutely sovereign and absolutely good. He absolutely is more than enough for joy and with Him, you lack nothing. With Christ, the heart heals and God pieces the heart back together in a way that honors Him. Sure, God could have allowed me to not feel much pain, but I never would have learned all that I did about Him, about myself, and about others without the pain. My focus never would have been so unwavering on Him without the pain. All that said, I am blown away by all that God has done in my own life and heart; I am thankful beyond belief (while I still struggle at times with singleness) that God did rock my world. I am thankful that I can now relate and be sensitive to those who go through that same hurt. I am just thankful for a year of firsts to have gone by and to continually get to remember God’s faithfulness and grace through it all. It’s cool to look back and see how different I am now, to see how perfect God’s plan really is (in causing me to focus on Him only and preparing me for the next major trial of my mom’s cancer), and to look forward at all that God still has to do! There are many more trials to come even in this next year and each one will be God’s grace to me…each one will be a blessing and will sanctify me! I am already praying that my life will be marked by my love and faithfulness to God in every hard time and every good time! Ok, I think I have rambled enough and even though I feel like I have missed so much that I could say, I will stop there. I hope that was some encouragement to someone (maybe just to me in the future if none of it made sense)! I guess I just want to remind you and myself to look at God’s grace in all things (even in heart break) and to recognize the work He is really doing…it’s seriously amazing and life changing!
doulos 