This is one of those posts I never wanted to write, certainly didn’t expect to write this time around, and don’t really know where to start. Seriously, as I am sitting here typing, I don’t know how I want to begin this or where I will go with it…I just know I need to write. I need to write to process and to remember. I need to remember that God is faithful even in the midst of pain and grief. It’s been a little over 2 weeks now since we received the call informing us that the birth parents of Lucas’ baby sister plan to keep the baby. It honestly didn’t feel real; in fact I had to have the social worker repeat herself just to understand what was being said to me. As the reality began to set in, it was just overwhelming. Over the course of the past few weeks, emotions have surfaced (at rather random moments) that I didn’t even know I had. The grief comes in waves as we continue to process the news. One minute everything seems to be fine and the next minute crying. It’s weird and uncomfortable to be honest, but that’s where we are right now. We are striving to grieve well. It is a struggle to know how to grieve fully while there is this ever so small possibility for another change of mind from the birth parents, but we have to face our current reality as we know it. In the middle of all of this uncertainty, there are certainly a few things that remain true and unchanging: God has a plan that is better than ours, God is good and in control (ALWAYS), and He is near to us. Now, these truths don’t make the loss easy or the grief less real, but it does make us grieve with hope: Hope that He is working for our good and His glory. Hope that this is a light and momentary affliction that will not compare to the glory that is to come. Hope that God knows what He is doing while it doesn’t make any sense to us.
We don’t know why God brought this adoption into our lives at all. We hadn’t planned for this or asked for it, but we wanted to be obedient when it was brought to us. We aren’t sure why obedience has to look this way now or why we had to dream of a life with this little girl only to have that taken away so suddenly and unexpectedly. We have had to face the realization that the daughter we prayed for every night for the past 7 1/2 months won’t be in our arms. These are not small things, but we also take comfort in the fact that we don’t have a small God. He is big enough to handle these uncertainties, the questions, and the pain. He is understanding, kind, and gracious in walking through this with us.
Our community that has been so incredibly supportive and loving. They have surrounded us with prayer and constantly encouraged us in the Lord. They have allowed us to lean on them and have spurred us on in faith. They have hoped with us and grieved with us. We have truly not gone through this alone and for that, we are unceasingly grateful.
There is probably a lot more I could say and it would all just come out as jumbled random phrases, bouncing back and forth between confusion, understanding, anger/sadness, and hope…but I will spare you all further rambling at this point. If you think of us in the coming weeks, we ask simply that you pray for us. Our hearts are broken as we long to hold the baby girl that we have prepared diligently for and love so dearly. Pray that we remember she belongs to God first and that He is a good Father who loves her more than we ever could. Pray for the birth parents to have wisdom as they make decisions about her future. Pray for our hearts to heal, for grace in this grieving process, and for faith to trust God no matter what comes. And finally, pray for the souls of all involved to see God and to know Him. We all need Jesus, now and always…so we ask God to give us more of Himself and to make Himself known through the messiness of this adoption.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.